Ed on Why Edward Scissorhands Could Date my Daughter

**Because Maggie has never actually seen Edward Scissorhands all the way through, this discussion on Edward Scissorhands is written by Maggie’s cop husband — merely transcribed from the longhand by Maggie.**

In my estimation, Edward Scissorhands would be the ideal date for my daughter. (I’m using the constant of his age when teh movie was filmed, mind you — I can’t think those hands would age well). Though I will be sitting on the front porch cleaning several guns at the time he arrives, as I would for any boyfriend of my daughter’s, here are the reasons I would be voting for him in particular:

1) Low or no sexual desire. I mean, seriously, you know he’s not been handling his own goods, if you know what I mean.

2) Even if the little maggot put the moves on my daughter, she’d never be able to hide the evidence. She’d look like she escaped from a cat fight.

3) Perfect guy to have in a fight to defend her.

4) You know he’s handy with yard work. We have those damn bushes up front that always need trimmed.

5) And finally, the fifth reason is my gentle reminder, as a cop, that a knife-wielding psycho can be justifiably shot at twenty feet. So you know Edward’s going to toe the line.

And that is why Edward Scissorhands could date my daughter.

10 thoughts on “Ed on Why Edward Scissorhands Could Date my Daughter

  1. Dear Mr., uhmmmm, Sir … mmmm Terminator-Cop (affectionally known around these parts as (looks over shoulder) Love Slave, hahaha slave, shhhh). Okay. On occasion I’ve used the word love to compliment the professional and talented writing style of your wife. I’m (lowers eyes in a non threatening position) respectfully informing you I’m an eighty year old eunuch, without the use of my arms or legs, and my only passion is reading. My wife of 60 years, God bless her, still has the use of her hands and transcribes my comments.

    With respect, Simon.

    Phewww! That’ll do it. Looks for phone. Come on, pick up! “Edward! It’s Simon. Run! Run Edward, run!” (run Forest, run)

  2. I would have to argue against #1. If he can’t do it himself, I would imagine he must be going nuts looking for someone who will.

    As a semi-competitive shooter, I was always amused when someone tried the gun cleaning trick. I’d usually make comments and suggest other cleaning products, or comment on the firearm itself.

    Not dating related, but commenting did get me into trouble while training for one of my first jobs. We had to watch a video of what to do in a robbery, and one of the opening scenes was two men robbing the store from the clerk’s POV. I just started laughing and had to explain to my boss that I couldn’t take these guys seriously because Robber A’s Colt Python (6in barrel, nickel finish, wood grips) was unloaded and Robber B’s Beretta 92F still had the safety engaged.

  3. lol . . . sounds like when I’m watching cop dramas with Ed. In between that and my ER doctor father, it can be quite irritating to watch TV with them.

    And I never considered that Scissorhands might look for alternative hands . . .

  4. Yeah…you wouldn’t want to watch movies with my father and I then…we’re very much like that. He was a history major, and I could’ve been…

    Now, if you were ever on “The Great Race” you’d probably want one of us on your team. Most of the times they’ve done the drop-off, I could tell them right where they were and how to get to where they were going…and Dad’s been more places than me…

  5. Hilarious! I could see this as one of those forwards people pass on endlessly in email… “Why Edward Scissorhands could date my daughter.” Ha!

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