Most people don’t know she exists. Not humans and not even her own kind. She doesn’t leave candy or money, she doesn’t hide her name or eat small children. What she does is make certain the secrets of faerie remain secret. When the Doors are breached, when the uninvolved become involved, she spreads her wings and picks up her briefcase to protect the realms of Underhill with a pencil, bifocals and legal pad.
CASE NUMBER: 53,878
Subject: Morgan, J.A.
B—-, Virginia, USA
Interviewer note: Subject sleeps sprawled and twisted in blankets. When I sat on his chest I had to poke him in the cheek to make him wake up. I don’t expect this to be a complicated interview.
Q: State your full name, please.
A: James A. Morgan. The A stands for Annabel. My parents hated me.
No, I’m kidding. The A stands for Antioch. My parents really hated me.
Actually, my dad and my uncle (who for the record is totally whacked) are both anthropologists, which means they dig crap up and then ask the friendlier natives why the hell they buried it in the first place. And I guess Antioch is somehow significant to both of them. I just tell people it’s a city named after me.
Interviewer Note: Boy does not even know the basic rules of safe interaction.
A: What is this, a tax form? Sixteen year olds don’t have occupations. We are young and free and all that. Okay, here: I’m a pre-emancipated American teen of the musical variety. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
Interviewer Note: subject is overtly hostile. Potentially problematic.
Q: How did you meet the Cloverhand?
A: She threw up on me the first day of second grade. I remember wondering how a girl that size could have so much inside her to barf out. As you can imagine, it was just one of those love-at-first-sight things.
And it became a pattern, you know? Her puking when she got nervous, me dodging . . . we’re, like, the perfect couple.
Q: What are your current feelings toward the Fey?
A: They can stick it where the sun don’t shine. People. My car. My freaking car. I’m definitely feeling ready to go toilet paper some fairy hills.
Interviewer Note: ask F—– about toilet paper. Does this constitute threat?
Q: Tell me about your own magical abilities? When did you first notice them?
A: My . . . what? Oh. Oh. The psychic thing. Yeah, I’m a crappy psychic. I think it runs in the family. In comparison to Dee and her freaky voodoo powers, I’m riding the magical equivalent of the short bus. But yeah. Weird things make me cold. And believe me, there’s been plenty to raise goosebumps lately.
Q: Do you have plans for your future? Assuming you survive, of course, dear boy.
A: World domination, baby. All the way.
Interviewer Note: I am considering a return visit when subject is not so sarcastic. I suspect, however, that opportunity will never arise.
by Maggie Stiefvater and Tessa Gratton. The Interviewee James is the sarcastic side-kick BFF in Maggie’s awesome debut novel, Lament: The Faerie Queen’s Deception. The Interviewer is based on the rambling, nonsensical imagination of Tessa.